You dont learn to appreciate the little things in life until your doing it on your on and with a baby. Today is just one of those days where I'm emotionlly exhausted in keeping it together all the time.. Smiles are so easy to put on but at the end of the day put on Under the bridge by Red Hot chili peppers and the flood gates open.(BTW my favorite song)

I leave school at 9pm get david at 10 and home by 1030. Day does not end there

Taking out garbage, taking grocieries in, walking into a gas station to pay for gas are luxuries, need to always carefully examine. Taking out the garbage must be done in the daytime, At night it out of the question... leaving a 3 yr old alone i wouldnt live with myself if something happened. Leave a baby in the car for slightly 2 minutes in the car, a zillion things can occur. A guy i once heard about walked in and out of a grocery and double parked leaving keys in ignition and was robbed. Although im sure he didnt think something would happen it did.Groceries are sometimes the hardest day not because i dont enjoy buying food but up and down up and down.. It's the most smallest things like that that make me miss having someone in my life.. But these same things never even make me slightly miss you. You didnt even ever offer to hold a door for me less likely take groceries up for me. Today im reminded of your selfishness and how everyday for almost 4 yrs you belittled me. I once felt like a woman who was comfortable in her own body you turned that into doubt and I know look back and just SIGH. Its amazing how much hurt one can cause with one single look or even one single word STAMINA. I'll forever remember how you marked me with that.


Wish I could call and just have you hear me out, but your badge and gun was more important even at 6 weeks of life of david that was a priority, how silly am I to think i would even be important enough to spare 2 minutes,

I call and complain wanting to hear warm words and encounter critisim and rage, "Its your own fault YOU put yourself in that situation, who told you to move suck it up." Is what i hear instead. YOu never struck your hand at me but your words were like an ice pick dug deep inside and that is worse.

August 6th is the day I'll walk with pride my head raised as high as the moon and stars. You stripped me of tears I should never had shed on you but never will you strip that smile on my face when I look at you and realize I am and will always be better than you. I'm a better human being,person,friend,lover,mother and companion.

And the best part of all that. Is that i'm thankful of having met you. You added/took some clay from my molding process. And now you've paved the way for an excellent man to come and now recieve what I have to offer love, companionship, laughter, a shoulder to cry on, friendship, trust = ME. I dont expect to meet him today nor tomorrow but when the time is right i know we will both know it felt right.

NYC

Today was definitely one of those nostalgic moments of missing the city where I grew up in.The city where I first learned about music in general especially hip hop(true hip hop)a place where the minute you step your foot outside your door the possibilities of who you meet are endless,where your patience challenges you each day either by the MTA or even a loud rude taxi cab driver haha and the city where you can order Chinese takeout at 4 am. A city that truly does not sleep

Wow how I miss you so so much. Days as today I sit and gaze into memories of taking the 7 and walking past public playgrounds which in my opinion are beautiful and historical to new York itself (not many in Kissimmee) I like to put on Big L, Nas, Inmortal Technique and Wu Tang Clan.For some reason they always give me a flashback of standing on a train platform listning to my ipod.Sigh… Can’t wait to make this city my current one.

Recap

Reading back now to my first original post I remembered my real true intentions as to why I decided to begin this blog. Life is always going to give you bumps along this road we call life or journey but it's knowing how to roll with them that shows our real character and makes us a better person and ultimately a better generation. My purpose in life i have yet to know it but I have hopes of one day recieving God's greatest gift or one of his many great gifts and it's love. I'm not talking about the love you recieve from family or friends or even your kids. I'm talking about that love you read or see about. Maybe it's far fetched for me, but Hope is one of the greastest thing a human being can feel. I feel without Hope your just an empty shell.

I never went into great detail what really led me to start blogging, except for the fact that its an apparent new trend and part of me misses the Xanga era (yes Xanga!).

My separation from David's dad is far to complicated to even bother going into detail, but it's one of those bumps along my road i needed to encounter which has build the strong character I hold now. Surprisingly we carry a pretty astonishing and amazing relationship( at least to me its that) Things completely ended for us and i've moved on from the hope of reignited that relationship. Many might think hey shouldnt you be thinking of working things out instead of moving on? and i respect your opinion but when so much pain is inflicted your better off walking into different directions. He needs to grow as a person and he needs to do it alone. I'm a better mom everyday and this balanced out relationship is much healthier for David.

October 2009 was the hardest month i lived breaking news of a marriage i had no idea was occuring, 2 car accident and 2 failed classes later on. Wooof! am i glad 2009 now is behind me and now i'm livin this and moving onto 2011 with such a different perspective than then.

I live by the following " LIfe is not the breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away" A may sound like a cheesy or corny saying but I have hope that a moment like that will come and I can say what I'm happy to see my friend kasey say" A fresh breath of air" =)

Mathews Story

So apparently i just tried to publish the post and eveything I wrote got erased... Ugh dont you just miss the old days where it was only pen and paper and could only blame it on the dog for loosing something. Well today was a pretty relaxed day stayed home all day. Been going through a financial Rut and cant even afford to go out on the days I dont go to school to spare gas those days. But either way I'm still grateful to God for other things. Pretty much cleaned cooked and enjoyed watching David build with his legos right up to the moment when he took a crayon a BLACK crayon and decided it was a blank piece of paper and colored it up. UGH i was not a very happy camper considering these are newly tiled floors, so after the harsh scream, mild spanking and timeout I made him clean it himself at his best ability and off he was for an early bedtime. Many of you might thing probably over did it but i've learned something these past almost 3 yrs of being a single mother is that true motherly love is discipling your child even if it does feel like a knife is pentrating your heart.

As i'm ready to put a close to the end of my night I decided to check my email before hitting the haysack and recieved an email from my dear friend Kasey.The minute i start reading this blog the tears start pouring down. Its of the story of Ezra a 2 yr old boy fighting neuroblastoma a rare type of cancer mostly found in infants and yet no cure for it. My little one is only a few months older and now looking back being so upset at him seems almost nonsense compared to what this family is going through.

I guess sometimes we let things like financial burdens or everyday life stresses really take over what is truly important. My thought and prayer go to this family.

Just another day of rollercoaster emotions

http://thematthewsstory.com/2010/10/19/let-me-hold-you/

Crazy!

So i realize i suck with updating and keeping up with my blog it's just amazing how time flies and how quicly it can just turn into a year later.. so here's a quick update: I'm suppose to graduate in May 2011 which is practically around the corner, and find myself wantig to badly prospoe it, even though i know i[ve earned the right to walk that stage. The idea of the real world seems so much more harder to swallow as each day passes. The responsibilities that come after you end school Starting with school loans and rent (you get my drift)

So as the end of 2010 approaches (wow i cant believe its been that fast already) I started thinking what i would like to accomplish in the following year.

but for now surviving Monday is my main concern (1 midterm 1 test and a annotated bibliography) it's like teachers get together to purposely do this!

And i need to some how fit in planning Davids 3 yr old bday party :/

Oh well those are just parts of my world.