You dont learn to appreciate the little things in life until your doing it on your on and with a baby. Today is just one of those days where I'm emotionlly exhausted in keeping it together all the time.. Smiles are so easy to put on but at the end of the day put on Under the bridge by Red Hot chili peppers and the flood gates open.(BTW my favorite song)

I leave school at 9pm get david at 10 and home by 1030. Day does not end there

Taking out garbage, taking grocieries in, walking into a gas station to pay for gas are luxuries, need to always carefully examine. Taking out the garbage must be done in the daytime, At night it out of the question... leaving a 3 yr old alone i wouldnt live with myself if something happened. Leave a baby in the car for slightly 2 minutes in the car, a zillion things can occur. A guy i once heard about walked in and out of a grocery and double parked leaving keys in ignition and was robbed. Although im sure he didnt think something would happen it did.Groceries are sometimes the hardest day not because i dont enjoy buying food but up and down up and down.. It's the most smallest things like that that make me miss having someone in my life.. But these same things never even make me slightly miss you. You didnt even ever offer to hold a door for me less likely take groceries up for me. Today im reminded of your selfishness and how everyday for almost 4 yrs you belittled me. I once felt like a woman who was comfortable in her own body you turned that into doubt and I know look back and just SIGH. Its amazing how much hurt one can cause with one single look or even one single word STAMINA. I'll forever remember how you marked me with that.


Wish I could call and just have you hear me out, but your badge and gun was more important even at 6 weeks of life of david that was a priority, how silly am I to think i would even be important enough to spare 2 minutes,

I call and complain wanting to hear warm words and encounter critisim and rage, "Its your own fault YOU put yourself in that situation, who told you to move suck it up." Is what i hear instead. YOu never struck your hand at me but your words were like an ice pick dug deep inside and that is worse.

August 6th is the day I'll walk with pride my head raised as high as the moon and stars. You stripped me of tears I should never had shed on you but never will you strip that smile on my face when I look at you and realize I am and will always be better than you. I'm a better human being,person,friend,lover,mother and companion.

And the best part of all that. Is that i'm thankful of having met you. You added/took some clay from my molding process. And now you've paved the way for an excellent man to come and now recieve what I have to offer love, companionship, laughter, a shoulder to cry on, friendship, trust = ME. I dont expect to meet him today nor tomorrow but when the time is right i know we will both know it felt right.